3:29 a.m. - I wouldn't say that yesterday was a quick day, but it wasn't a horrible day like other days in the week. You know, we had a bus referral to start the day. I went and got some treats for the staff. The staff member who is just bitter as hell towards me is still bitter as hell towards me. Two DCFS reps were in the building to investigate something with one of our children. I had two meetings with two additional community friends to get them up-and-running. The one student that has been struggling recently did okay until the end of the day. A parent sent me an email questioning our efforts with him instead of questioning why he's being such a jerk sometimes. And I worked a basketball scrimmage, had ribs for supper, and had a nice religious philosophy discussion with my officiating partner on the way home. All-in-all, yesterday was a pretty typical day in my life.
Today I have two games with four really not-very-good high school girls basketball teams. Somehow I went from working the championship games to working the worst-of-the worst game in a matter of one season. Maybe I really do look really fat and really bad right now. I guess it means I will get home sooner. Apparently Cole is going to be visiting this weekend. I haven't seen him in awhile, so it will be nice to catch up on his life. I guess he has some softball indoors this weekend in Muscatine, so he was hoping to come here overnight tonight, so he didn't have to drive all the way home.
I did wake up this morning thinking about Chase. I looked on line, and his court case received another continuance on Thursday. So he's still in jail in the Scott County Jail awaiting his arraignment. As I understand "arraignment", it's where the defendant enters a plea and the judge determines the next course of action. So basically, Chase has been in jail since mid-October awaiting his first court proceedings prior to seeing the judge to see what happens next. I could have used over a thousand dollars to get him our of jail, but what would that have gotten? The last time I tried to help him, he trashed my car, left a stash of marijuana and paraphernalia our basement, and stole and wrecked Amber's bike. Then he tormented and taunted me for the next week - telling me he was going to break into my house to get the rest of his items and kick my ass if I did anything about it. Finally, he ended by leading me on a wild goose chase to get all his items back to him because he thought I had brought the police along to set up a covert capture of him. So am I going to spend over a thousand dollars just to have him complicate my life and potentially threaten my home and family again? No. And yet, I miss him, and I'm sad that perhaps I have twenty years of life left, and more time is wasted again with him wasting life on being addicted to drugs and getting in trouble with law enforcement. This wasn't how life was supposed to work out. When Sue and I were young parents, and I was teaching and coaching and life was busy but promising (even with the consistent fighting between Sue and me), life just wasn't supposed to be like this now. Sue and I were supposed to be nearing retirement together in a loving marriage; Carmen, Cole, and Chase were supposed to be leading promising lives with their own homes and own families and their own children, and Sue and I were supposed to be great grandparents in our little house between Sherrard and Swedona. I was supposed to be on the tail end of an awesome coaching career - perhaps already being inducted into the Illinois Coaches Hall of Fame. Sue and I were supposed to be nearing retirement and looking forward to how our end of life years were going to be full of fun and memories as we took care of her parents and my parents. Maybe we would have continued to be runners; maybe we would have taken up traveling or camping like Amber and I have. Perhaps we would have saved up enough money to have purchased a bigger house. Perhaps we would still hit the bars to sing some karaoke and do some dancing now and then. Maybe we would have both started regularly attending church service and worked on our individual faith journeys and experience a combined journey as well.
And yet none of that happened. Instead something totally different happened. That totally different isn't horrible for me, but what is it like for Sue, Chase, Carmen, and Cole. And what responsibility have I for the lives they now have? I think that's my acceptance of my eventual fate when I die. I'm going to be judged on how my decisions when I was a married adult in my 20's and 30's affected the lives of the people that were closest to me - the lives of the people that should have been my total priority...I'm going to be judged on how all that turned out and my part in it. There won't be forgiveness. There will be disappointment, and there will be no journey to Heaven...or wherever it is that the just and good people end up in the afterlife. For me it will be back to the drawing board to try again and do better the next time or perhaps worst yet down to the scrap heap to pay for my mistakes and poor decisions for the rest of my eternity.
I have no expectation of anything different, and I don't blame anyone but myself for my fate. And yet, I shouldn't and won't let that bleak ending to my ending stop me from trying to be better with the time I have left. I think it's honorable and the right thing to do to just try and be better each day, each week, each month, each year - yet still understand that I can't fix my past, and I can't change my eventual eternity future. Like Chase in jail who will eventually be judged and sentenced and face "doing his time", I will eventually be judged and sentenced and face doing my time. And that is what it is. Because I have that fate awaiting me, doesn't mean I can't make good decisions now. That doesn't mean I can't try to be better for the people around me now - Chase, Carmen, Cole, Amber, Kourtney, Kenzie, Karrigan, Jim, Cathy, Darren, Jack, Rhonda, Aaron, Adam, and all of their family members - Ava, Tucker, Rosie, Knox, Brooklyn, Brinley, Luke, Kollyns, and Caleb, Tyler, Patrick, Darrin, Michael. That doesn't mean I can't try to be a good friend to Greg and his family, and Rick, Ron, Mike and their families. That doesn't mean I can't try to be a good friend to my current and past officiating friends. That doesn't mean I can't try to be a good educator to the people around school until my retirement. While I can't change the past, and the past will be my ultimate downfall in my judgement, I can still do the right thing - JUST BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING; not because I hope to somehow turn around my fate. I think there is some beauty in just doing the right thing, even if the ultimate ending is going to be a losing one. Maybe that's what we coaches sometimes like to call "the moral victory". You don't like to ever accept losses, but you can be more accepting of the hard fought losses.
I'm not sure if this is the right perspective. I'm not sure if I'm trying to kid myself or just trying to help myself, or if I'm just full of bullshit and have it all wrong still. But that's where I'm at. Perhaps the idea is to still try to help people avoid my fate in the time I have left and be comfortable in my own fate at the same time. I don't think that means I'm looking for sympathy; I don't that that means I'm hoping for a miracle for me...perhaps I'm not like old Jacob Marley visiting old Ebenezer; I think I kind of like that perspective. Old Jacob perhaps is a very noble character in the story...he has his fate, he knows he can't escape his fate, and yet he tries to help his friend escape his fate. And perhaps that's not noble; perhaps it's not even okay; but it's the right thing to do because doing right things is important.
Things for School
- need new footballs and baseball playing cards
- update attendance each week in SDS
- Jan. 28 - PTO meeting at Andalusia 6 p.m.
- Feb. 25 - PTO meeting at TRE at 6 p.m.
- Mar 25 - PTO meeting at ICE at 6 p.m.
- Apr 22 - PTO meeting at Andalusia 6 p.m.
OTHER THINGS
- a hood light switch for the Ford
- Dec, 26 - Amber Christmas with Kiddoo girls and families
- Jan. 29 - 11 a.m. - Milan Optical
- April 28 - Dentist 8 a.m.
- July 5-12/13 - Trip to Branson, MO (and Strawberry, AK)
- The Embers Glamping and RV Resort - https://www.theembersbranson.com/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22413650638&gbraid=0AAAAA-MKpE7Umfs76tSTLd5GpHFKiJBqR&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIl-Wk-fjJjwMV1FR_AB36uTxMEAAYASAAEgJbrvD_BwE
- $70 per night
- What/Where is South Buffalo Prairie School and for that matter West Buffalo School and East Taylor Ridge School? ugh.
- Friday Tidbit on the RR History Network Page
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