Recently, someone close to me that I care about relapsed with substance abuse issues. He destroyed bits and pieces of things and relationships with people that he had previously worked to build or rebuild. I struggle sometimes with my own self-doubt and regrets - think about things I should have done or words I should have said. I struggle to understand why his situation is the way it is, and sometimes I think I have a clearer understanding, and sometimes I just feel more and more confused.
Unfortunately, with people close to me or far from me, I can't impose upon them what I would really like to happen for them. I can advise, WANT, support, recommend, love, worry, fear, and a lot of other things, but I'm ever realizing more and more that other people must decide what THEY WANT or THEY DON'T WANT for themselves. AND THAT'S REALLY HARD AND UNFAIR all at the same time.
We all deserve to get out of life what we want. We don't deserve to get out of life what others may want for us. And it's not really fair for anyone to feel like he/she should want something because of someone else's influence. I tell my students all the time that they must search themselves and learn what they want and then take the necessary steps to make that happen.
Here's my thing, though. What a particular person wants out of life shouldn't be destructive or damaging or harmful to others. How a person chooses to live his or her life is his or her business, but that choice should not negatively impact others. When a person (your or old) knows the difference between good decisions and bad decisions and all decisions in-between, he or she should not permit his/her wants from impacting others poorly.
If someone legitimately wants something(s), and those thing(s) don't harm others, so be it. Those folks, though, then must recognize that others in their lives are unfortunately and unreasonably FORCED to make decisions that "hurt". My person that I care about is like a campfire. I want to be supportive of the campfire...give it fuel to burn beautifully and be around to enjoy it's warmth and glow - maybe cook a hot dog, roast a marsh mellow or just admire the different colors and flames. What I can't do, though, is put the wrong kind of fuel on the fire...I can't dump gasoline; I can't put too much wood or the fire burns out of control and I could injure myself. In addition, I just can't get too close to the fire...I have to keep a safe distance or the fire could burn me or seriously injure me.
I really want to be close, I see the beauty and awesome positive things about that campfire, but I have to keep a safe distance.
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